Five Months In

A letter to Jay

December 2023

Dear Jay,

Oh my gosh, what a whirlwind these last five months have been! You know how much I love handwritten correspondences, so it’s only fitting that I dust off my new stationery and write you a letter. It’s not the first letter I’ve sent you. I don’t really know where to begin, so I’ll start at the top. I enjoy you so very much, and the fun news is, I’m not just physically attracted to you; I actually like you. I’m not sure I’ve ever encountered a man so excited to get out in the world and experience every drop of it. We’ve been so busy since we met that I rarely have a moment to rest…and I love it! Spending time with you has healed parts of me I’d feared were broken beyond repair.

First up, through sheer exposure therapy, I’ve conquered my fear and anxiety of driving on the interstate. That alone has opened up literal new roads for me. The first couple of times I drove to your apartment were harrowing, to say the least, but I did it. The second time had me sitting in traffic as emergency crews cleared an accident involving an 18-wheeler. That’s my personal hell; one of the parts of interstate driving that freak me out the most are those fucking big trucks. I was quite a sweaty, frazzled mess by the time I arrived. But I did it, and the difficult journey was made sweeter by your warm welcome when I arrived. I don’t know if I tell you this enough, but you give great hugs. I’m able just to relax and sink into you and your warmth. That, and your voice when you say “Hey” as I walk through your door, are two of my favorite things about being your girlfriend. You make me feel adored and safe, two things I’ve missed terribly.

The third time I went to your place for a long weekend, I was again delayed in traffic. You had drinks with some friends, and by the time I arrived, they’d left, and you were well into your cups. We sat outside to enjoy the late summer sun. You looked at me with the biggest puppy dog eyes I’ve ever seen and earnestly started to say something I wasn’t ready to hear, and I’m pretty sure sober you wouldn’t want to say out loud, so I cut you off with a kiss. Twice. Enjoying kissing your whole face comes in handy. And I told you now wasn’t the time for serious declarations; we promised not to rush things. You reluctantly agreed but implied not saying things didn’t make them untrue. I told you to hush and requested we get some ice cream to distract you. When you drink with your friends, you drink a lot, and that makes you say things you wouldn’t say in the bright light of day. That concerns me but you know me, I’ll find a way to excuse it away.

We took our first trip together shortly after we started dating. It was an impromptu weekend at the beach during the end of summer. It was so impromptu the only lodging available was more like a motel than a hotel, and the interior had wood paneling on all four walls and the ceiling! The look on your face when we walked into that room was hysterical. I think you expected me to put up a fuss about the accommodations, but I didn’t. I just wanted to spend time with you, and I made do, even with the moldy showerhead. It was one for the books when we found the cleaning lady’s kid asleep on our bed, but it just added to the character of the weekend. For the first time in my adult life, I rode in a car to a local North Carolina beach and not once feared for my life. You were so mindful of my fears; I appreciate that very much. I didn’t feel judged by my anxiety, and that made the trip even more special. You packed so much into our two-night stay, from the daily umbrella service on the beach to the escape room we failed and the boardwalk carnival’s Ferris wheel—complete with a passionate kiss at the top of the circle, every minute was nothing but pure joy. We travel well together; it’s a nice change for me.

You’ve also introduced me to new things, too. I now have the All-Trails app on my phone because hiking is a regular occurrence for us. You men on the dating apps love hiking. From simple hikes around greenways in Chapel Hill to making our way to the top of Pilot Mountain in an afternoon—you are always up for an adventure. Pilot Mountain almost killed me, but now I have proper footwear, so the sky’s the limit! I’ve also added disc golf to my activity resume. I am absolutely terrible at it, but I have so much fun. You’re incredibly patient with my wild attempts to play this game. I haven’t lost a disc yet, and I get marginally better every time we play. Jay, I don’t think I’ve spent a Saturday on the couch vegging out since we met. You never sit still; you plan outings better than Julie the Cruise Director. You’d think you’d be a better sleeper as active as we are; alas, sleep seems to evade you. I worry about that. You once told me I happy sighed in my sleep when you pulled me deep into an embrace one night. You said that made you feel great, and you actually slept that night. I’m glad I could give you a little sliver of my peace bubble.

It hasn’t been all rainbows and sunshine, but we’ve weathered it nicely, I think. The absolutely certifiable wife of your bandmate has been a chore. I know she’s the bestie of your almost Ex, but man, someone needs to stand up to her. She’s a bully. She's probably definitely a drunk, but she's also definitely a bully. I wasn’t “allowed” to attend your shows early on because you were afraid of how Crazy might react, and you were also unsure if almost Ex would show up. Those two really did a number on you, and I didn’t like the way you just took it. You didn’t defend yourself from them. You were so concerned with keeping your almost Ex’s “good name” intact that you let them stomp all over yours. I didn’t like that at all. For a man who didn’t cheat his way out of a lengthy marriage, you are remarkably accommodating of your cheating almost Ex’s separation and divorce demands. I’ve often thought how much easier my life would be if I were divorcing a man like you instead of Ex. I’d probably need to meditate a lot less.

I’ve met your friends, and I appreciate how they’ve accepted me into the fold. Most of them are genuinely nice people. You have two best friends, both of which I’ve met. One is nice, and I understand the connection there; the other is a walking red flag whom I don’t care for at all. It worries me that you don’t see him for the obvious manipulator he is, but we are still new, and I’m keeping that opinion to myself. I’m keeping an eye on your bad bestie; it’s troublesome how much merit you give his opinions. I’ve read about people, men specifically, who weaponize therapy speak, but I’ve never seen it in action until I met him. Telling you to be careful there would be a fool’s errand. I hope this doesn’t become a bigger issue. I fear he realizes I’m not buying his bullshit. I’ve never been especially good at schooling my face. I can hold my tongue, but my face tends to speak volumes in an outside voice.

You have another close friend you made when you moved into your new apartment. He’s also in the throes of divorce, his third. He does something that troubles me, too. He likes to boastfully announce that he “loved you first” when we are out together. It’s not that I’m jealous of him or even care about what he says, but I do care about the dark look that crosses your face every time he says it. It makes me feel like you are uncomfortable with his causal use of the term “love,” and frankly, I am, too. I like you a lot, Jay, but we are way too new to add the “love” phrase to our conversations. Never forget that we promised each other that we wouldn’t label ourselves like that. It feels like your new friend is jokingly and inadvertently adding pressures to our relationship that neither of us asked for. I hope he’s not putting things in your head that freak you out.

I’ve also met your mom, dad, stepmom, sister, and other extended family members. I haven’t met your kids. Even though your kids are all adults, I completely understand and respect your decision not to involve them in our relationship. You aren’t fully divorced, and I’m guessing you don’t want to upset them with how quickly, or seemingly quickly, you’ve moved on from their mother. They don’t know the reason for the impending divorce, and you’ve refused to tell them. We’ve spoken about this and disagreed. I feel very strongly that kids need to understand what’s happening around them. They aren’t children. They are all adults. But you’re very careful to keep your almost Ex’s name clean in this. They haven’t met me, but they know about me. I have to wonder if they think I had a hand in your separation. You’ve said I shouldn’t worry about that; they know you well enough to know you’d never cheat on their mother. But do they know your almost Ex well enough to know she cheated on you? I feel a flaw in your logic, but again, this is new, and we’re taking things slow.

You’ve met my kids, their friends, my brother, and most of my friends, too. They are all very happy to see how happy I am, and that’s enough reason for them to like and accept you. My one friend Nik said she gets a strange read off you, something she can’t quite put her finger on, but you give great hugs and look at me like I hung the moon, so she’s cautiously optimistic but keeping an eye out for tomfoolery. I respect that and adore how protective my people are of me. They’ve been with me through the absolute worst, they’ve witnessed how dark I went, and they’ll be damned if they’ll let me get myself down like that again.

For our three-month anniversary, I gave you a coffee mug that declared you to be the best thing I’ve found on the internet. It’s true. My dating diary journals can attest to some truly outrageous behavior I’ve encountered on the dating scene. It’s the wild west out there, and I’m so happy to have found some calm in the storm. You are the polar opposite of Ex. You’re quiet and soft-spoken, whereas he’s loud and abrupt. You are thoughtful and kind, and he is constantly looking for quid pro quo in relationships. You believe in fidelity and honesty, where he tells lies when the truth would help him, and we all know loyalty isn’t his strong suit. You have deep bonds with friends where he has transactional acquaintances. He is a dark, humid, heavy cloud hanging above my head, threatening to engulf me regularly, and you are a breath of fresh air and sunshine. You seem to enjoy my company and look for ways to spend more time with me, where I was an obligation for Ex and never a real consideration. I’m not necessarily comparing the two of you on a day-to-day basis; in fact, I don’t think about Ex at all; it’s only now that I’m sitting down to write you this letter that I feel the need to compare. I want to say you’re twice the man he is, but that’s not fair; he’s not a real man, so it’s comparing apples to rotten oranges. Thank you for the happiest five months I’ve had in a very long time. Thank you for not destroying my hard-earned peace bubble. Thank you for being easy to be around and not making me feel like I need to walk on eggshells and that the other shoe is about to drop at any moment. Thank you for respecting my peace. I like you a lot, Jay, and I look forward to seeing where this journey takes us in 2024.

XOXO

Donna